“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”
— Audre Lorde
When you choose yourself first, you begin to see how much of life has been shaped by waiting. Many women are raised on timelines that depend on someone else’s approval — a man to pick them as a partner, a manager to recognize their effort, a society to declare them “enough.” That waiting becomes so familiar it feels normal, even when it quietly erodes confidence.
The problem is that this pattern rarely delivers. Even when the approval finally comes, it is fragile and temporary, tied to someone else’s standards. The result is exhaustion: years of effort, followed by the fear of being overlooked again. Choosing yourself first is not about pretending rejection doesn’t hurt. It’s about recognizing that self-worth cannot survive on borrowed validation.
1. The Conditioning That Keeps Women Waiting
A. Raised to Wait for Approval
Think back to how most girls are praised when they are little: “You’re such a good girl,” “You’re so pretty,” “You’re so polite.” From the start, many of us learn that approval comes when we please, when we stay quiet, when we look a certain way. Our value is reflected back through someone else’s smile.
Fast forward into adulthood, and the pattern continues. A woman often feels her worth confirmed only when:
- A partner chooses her.
- A boss recognizes her effort.
- Family members validate her choices.
- Society labels her “successful” by its own standards.
This is not a personal flaw. It is conditioning.
But here is the cost: when worth is dependent on approval, rejection feels like annihilation. A “no” isn’t just disappointing — it shakes the very ground beneath us. Because if others don’t choose us, who are we?
The answer — and the turning point — lies in daring to choose yourself first. Tool for Reflection: Journal the last three times you caught yourself waiting for someone else’s yes. Write what it cost you — in time, energy, or self-trust.
B. The Psychology of Powerlessness
Psychologists call it an external locus of control — believing your life depends more on outside forces than your own choices. When worth is outsourced this way, rejection cuts deeper. A “no” doesn’t just mean “not now” — it feels like “you are not enough.”
This explains why so many women stay in jobs, relationships, or roles long past their breaking point. The fear of rejection, of not being chosen, feels more unbearable than the cost of staying stuck.
Tool for Reframe: The next time rejection happens, ask: “What does this actually say about me — and what does it not?” Write down at least one thing rejection cannot take away from you (your skills, your compassion, your persistence).
C. Reframing the Question
The old question is: “Am I worthy of being picked?” The new one is: “What changes when I choose myself first?”
This shift may sound small, but it changes everything. Suddenly, you are not standing in line for someone else’s stamp of approval — you are building your own ground to stand on. You become the authority of your worth, not its applicant.
Practical Start: Write this at the top of a page every morning: “Today I choose myself first by…” Complete the sentence with one action you’ll take (setting a boundary, speaking up, saying no, or saying yes to yourself).
E. Choosing Yourself: What It Really Means
Defining “Self-Choice”: Choosing yourself isn’t arrogance or rebellion. It’s clarity — knowing what you value, what you deserve, and refusing to bargain with your worth.
Everyday Acts of Self-Choice:
- Saying no when a request undermines your peace.
- Starting a project because it excites you, not because it’s “impressive.”
- Dressing, speaking, or creating in ways that align with you, not the invisible audience in your head.
The Shift in Power: When you choose yourself, others may resist at first — but slowly, relationships adjust. Respect comes not because you demanded it, but because you modeled it.
F. Practical Steps to Start Choosing Yourself
- Micro-Boundaries: Start with small, non-negotiable limits — for example, protecting 30 minutes of “me time” daily, or not checking messages during meals.
- Self-Check Questions: Before saying yes to anything, pause and ask:
- Does this align with my values?
- Am I saying yes out of guilt or genuine desire?
- Celebrate Self-Approval: Each time you validate your own decision — even something as small as picking the restaurant you want — acknowledge it. These small acts build the muscle of self-trust.
- Create a ‘Waiting Audit’: Write down the areas of life where you’re waiting for someone’s approval (career, relationship, family expectations). Then ask: What would choosing myself look like here?
- Anchor With Support: Surround yourself with women, books, and resources that remind you self-worth isn’t negotiable. This softens the loneliness of stepping away from old patterns.
Conclusion: The Quiet Power of Choosing Yourself
Every woman knows the weight of waiting — for love, for recognition, for the “right” moment. But what often goes unspoken is how draining that waiting becomes, how it slowly convinces you that your value depends on someone else’s timeline.
Choosing yourself is not a loud rebellion. It’s a subtle, steady reclamation. It begins when you stop asking, “Am I enough for them?” and instead start asking, “Am I enough for me?”
This doesn’t mean you will never care about others’ opinions again, or that disappointment won’t sting. It means you will have an anchor that no rejection, delay, or judgment can shake.
So pause for a moment here. Reflect on where you are still waiting. What dream, decision, or boundary have you delayed because you’re hoping for someone else’s permission? That pause — that recognition — is where the shift begins.
When you choose yourself first, you aren’t abandoning others. You are finally standing with the one person who has been with you all along: YOU.
Got it — here’s a journaling prompt + challenge that isn’t surface-level, but designed to shift something inside her when she actually sits with it:
Reflective Challenge
Take out your journal and write on this prompt:
“Where in my life am I still waiting for someone else’s approval, love, or permission — and what would change if I stopped waiting and chose myself today?”
Write without censoring. Be brutally honest. Circle the one place that feels the heaviest.
Then — here’s the challenge:
For the next 7 days, take one small, visible action in that area that proves to you (not to anyone else) that you have chosen yourself. It can be as simple as saying no to something you don’t want, applying for an opportunity you’ve delayed, or giving yourself time for rest without guilt.
What to Do Next
- Sign up now and join a community of women who are rewriting the story — one Friday at a time.
- Read articles to deepen this journey.
- Explore the Empowerment Kit — your free set of healing tools, worksheets, and reflection prompts to support this journey.
- Share this guide with a woman who might need it. Your story might be the reason she starts hers.
